99% of this blog is dedicated to my writing endeavours. I will make an exception for this.

TODAY I ATE A CURLY POTATO ON A STICK. A whole potato, cut into a continuous spiral, deep-fried and smothered in salt. It’s moments like these that make you realise humanity is a worthy thing.

I’m considering making this my new author photo. SO GOOD.

[normal transmission resumes]

Some of you might remember last year when I introduced you to Drusilla, the Ditmar Diprotodon. This time-travelling spokesmammal of Australian SF has apparently remained in our time-stream, mostly for the fiction. Rumours of the secret megafauna invasion are still largely exaggerated and (for now) she is an ambassador of literature and peace. Today, she joins me on the Fisch-blog to talk about all things Ditmar.

JF: Hi Drusilla the Ditmar Diprotodon, thanks for stopping by.

DDD: My pleasure, Jason. Thanks for the huge bushel of vegetation.

JF: I’d do the same for any of my guests. Now, my sources tell me that you’re a passionate advocate of the Ditmar Awards.

DDD: Indeed. I think it’s wonderful to reward creative minds. We had a similar popular-vote award back in the Pleistocene Epoch, “The Mammal’s Choice Award”. Though our categories were more along the lines of Best Survivor, Species Viability, Most Effective Predator and the like. We still had a Fan Art category though.

JF: Megafauna are nothing if not organised. So, Drusilla, do you know who you are nominating in this year’s Ditmar Awards?

DDD: Oh yes! I’ve perused the 2013 Ditmar Eligibility List and cobbled together a list of my favourite books, novellas, short stories and even some reviews and podcasts that I got into last year. The beauty of the Ditmar is that I can nominate as many things in as many categories as I like. You don’t dilute or divide your nomination by doing so.

JF: So, if you were a creative type nominating your own work (which is okay to do) it doesn’t hurt you at all to list other works in the same category?

DDD: Indeed. You’re a mug if you don’t. I think that this mechanism effectively neutralises any self-touting – by the time the self-nominations are tallied up, the real results would come from the additional “I also liked this stuff” nominations.

JF: So, you’re saying the system works?

DDD: I know the Ditmars are not without their own controversies. Nary a year goes by without some sort of battle royale about the results, accusations of bloc voting, all of that drama. It reminds me in many ways of the “Mammal’s Choice Award” of 50,000 BCE. Brutor the Marsupial Lion was accused by many of rigging the vote for Most Effective Predator, but it turned out he really was the Most Effective Predator, as numerous corpses attested to.

JF: So do you think there was bloc voting, both now and then?

DDD: Probably. But that’s the law of the savana. No doubt many of Brutor’s relatives put their paws to the ballot, but it was probably a statistical blip when compared to the other terrified votes. At least the result was accurate! The Ditmar nomination process resembles a circus of touting and enormous lists of eligible works, but I think it’s a necessary process. After the initial flurry of activity, the overall numbers would float to the surface, and then the most representative value appears on that final ballot paper.

JF: I heard mention that you were frustrated by one of the rules?

DDD: Yes. As a fan, I was stymied by rule 4.1 “Nominations will be accepted only from natural persons active in fandom”. Stupid homo sapiens, of course you try to keep the fun all to yourselves. But ultimately I got around it by signing up to each Natcon, and I quote “or from full or supporting members of the national convention of the year of the award.”

JF: That’s clever.

DDD: [munching sounds]

JF: We need another wheelbarrow of lettuce in here.

Hope this helps my anonymous visitors. Don’t say I never give you anything

 Me (in a bookstore, circa 2005): “Goddamnit, that was MY idea!”

Me, circa 2009: “I’ve got a great idea to pitch to that zombie series: postapocalyptic world, sassy teenage girl, skilled with a bow and arrow. I’m gonna write that sucker.”

 Me, circa 2012 (everytime I see this poster): “Goddamnit, that was MY idea!”

Me, circa 2006: “OMG, best idea ever. So, when Ned Kelly was holed up at Glenrowan? And there was that train bringing all of the policemen to arrest him? What if it NEVER arrived? It would change everything! That’s a great idea for an alternate history novel! I’m gonna research it RIGHT NOW.”

Me, about 15 minutes of internet research later: “GODDAMNIT THAT WAS MY IDEA.”

doo-dah, doo-dah…

I can say with some authority that 80s permed ladies wearing leopard print leotards almost never appeared during any Dungeons and Dragons game. At least, not the ones I went to. This is probably for the best, we were 15 and unlikely to cope.